Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
