Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
