I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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