she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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