I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..