It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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