if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
