how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
