3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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