i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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