my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
