I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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