quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
