Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
