The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
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Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
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In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Drunk is a universal language darling
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