You can't special order awesome
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
