I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
