so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
