Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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