you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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