I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
