I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
