I accidentally burped into my bong.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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