you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
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Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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