So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.