his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
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please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
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You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...