Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?