i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
