You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
