My nipple is on Facebook.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
