My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
