My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
