I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
