now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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