If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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