No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
