Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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