My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
