when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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