too bad you live with your parents still
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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