WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
