Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
