This house was built for laser tag.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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