Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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