Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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