Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
