cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
40s are totally the cure
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
