Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
