If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
