So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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