youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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