Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
