never play flip cup with pint glasses
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
