Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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