I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
