I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
