I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
