Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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